Quantcast
Channel: Boystown
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 2

The iceman cometh

0
0

The mercury is dropping and according to every news outlet on the planet we’re in for a particularly brutal winter. My steady life in denial, stuffing my face with Sour Patch and Haribo Gummy Bears and burning frozen pizzas in the oven has begun its inevitable collapse.   The clock is ticking and you can almost smell the fear in the blustery winds off Lakeshore Dr..

How does one survive a winter in Boystown, let alone Chicago? Hibernation.

Hibernation in Boystown, however, takes a different connotation than your typical woodland animal. Namely, while hibernation may mean a break from the bars, it doesn’t mean an end to all activity or life, unless you want it to be.

Drawing from experience, here’s how I plan to deal with the  the preordained snowpocalypse:

Drink to beer coat not blackout.  Hangovers cold and alone are much worse than hangovers  just alone.

If your bathroom has a heating element close the door and fire that baby up while showering.  If you close your eyes the tropical locale you’ve created will be almost as real as your last “relationship”.

Why even go out when you can sex it up and be anti-social!?  The wonders of GPS technology and Grindr have nearly eliminated the need to go out at all.  Get those shirtless body shots ready. Looking? Into?

Buy yourself “love” and muffle your inner lonely bloodcurdling screams in the luxury of a new coat or scarf.  You may not have someone to cuddle with but you can always die enveloped in MONEY. (Read: Moncler 1000+ dollar jacket)

Burn down Mr. Taco (or the recently minted Wal-Mart Express) and huddle around the resulting conflagration for some much needed community anger release and warmth. Maybe even do a little dance on the smoldering ashes?

Remember that gym membership you neglected all summer long while your gut expanded, your BAC climaxed and you dehydrated at Hydrate? Time to  give up your quest for gout and prep for the spring, it’s only a mere 109 days away. Go, at the very least, for the cruising and warming possibilities in the sauna and steam room.

And for God sakes maybe it’s time to hang up the whore hat permanently or at minimum  for the winter. Coming from a professional who formerly operated at an industry level two summers ago, nothing stings worse than the walk of shame in the teens when you’ve lost your coat (and dignity) the night before.

Find yourself a (winter) boyfriend, if nothing else, satisfy your daddy fetish cuddling up with Colonel Sanders and some KFC…

What have you been doing to deal with the temperature drop?  How has your social life been affected?


Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 2

Latest Images

Trending Articles





Latest Images